You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
