I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
