So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
