I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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