She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
