We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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