I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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