Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
