Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
