There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
this beer tastes like vomit already
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
