did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
