We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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