You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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