When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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