Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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