She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
