I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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