Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
