You smell like stripper and shame
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
