spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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