I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
soo... how was my night?
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