Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
