there was a trapeze. enough said
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
