definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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