I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
