u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
