I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
