omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
