she was so not down for the gang bang
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He told me they were just razor bumps!
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
