Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
