I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
