hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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