Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
