I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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