I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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