Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
