I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
