When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
