My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
