Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
