you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
