nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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