Buhtt sex?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
