He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
