The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
