if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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