I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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