The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
All I want is dick and wine.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
