I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
