I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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