I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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