Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
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