I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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