You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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