Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
