WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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