Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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