Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
