She's JV to your varsity
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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