I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
