Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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