why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
