I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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